My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
