I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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