Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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