I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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