your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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