How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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