I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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