Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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