Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
