Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
