I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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