Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
