I cannot find my penis.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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