I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
