Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
