I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
