When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
