We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
