Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
