she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
