So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
