News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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