I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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