I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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