There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Such a big mess for such a small penis
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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