Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
it's great music for shaving your balls
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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