I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
this hospital has no fireball
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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