Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
