he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Even the bartender felt bad for me
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Randomize
