I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
