He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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