I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
