Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
