So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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