A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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