The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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