Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
