Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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