I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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