my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize