I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
