It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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