Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
