My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
