Your tits are I can't wait for
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
