I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
