I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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