pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
