Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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