I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
