Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
