Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
