I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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