I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
