I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
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