i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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