Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
