Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
