My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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